How to Create Rituals That Strengthen Connection in Mixed-Faith Marriages and Families

Rituals and traditions are a vital part of any couple’s relationship and family life. They help us feel anchored, connected, and part of something meaningful. Whether it’s a weekly family dinner, a bedtime routine with your kids, or a shared holiday tradition, these rituals help us define who we are as a couple and as a family.

For mixed-faith couples and families, however, rituals can become complicated. What do you do when the rituals that once brought your family together—especially those with religious significance—no longer work for everyone? What happens when beliefs shift and former traditions begin to feel confusing, divisive, or even painful?

These are common questions for couples navigating religious differences. The good news is that research offers a hopeful perspective: the power of a ritual lies not in its content, but in the connection it fosters.

Why Rituals Matter in Relationships and Mixed-Faith Families

There’s a growing body of research that highlights the value of rituals in family life. According to the Gottman Institute:

“Research has shown that regular family rituals promote better communication skills, increased emotional well-being, and stronger relationships among family members.”

Rituals serve many purposes. They create a sense of stability, foster shared meaning, and provide opportunities for emotional connection. For couples, rituals can enhance intimacy. For families, they offer a consistent way to reconnect despite the chaos of daily life.

But what happens when the very rituals that once unified a couple or family are tied to religious beliefs—and those beliefs are no longer shared?

A Hopeful Perspective for Mixed-Faith Couples and Families

One of the most encouraging insights from Dr. John Gottman’s research is this: it’s not the content of the ritual that matters most—it’s the function it serves.

Gottman defines rituals as:

“Meaningful activities that families create to bring connection and stability to the family dynamic.”

This is especially important for mixed-faith couples to understand. The research does not suggest that religious rituals are inherently more effective at creating connection than non-religious ones. While religious rituals may serve other important roles—such as passing down faith traditions or reinforcing religious values—when it comes to building connection, the key is whether the ritual feels meaningful and enjoyable to everyone involved.

In other words, a bedtime prayer is not automatically more powerful than a bedtime conversation. A church service is not automatically more bonding than a family nature walk. The significance lies in the emotional experience and connection it creates.

Understanding the Difference Between Rituals and Routines

It’s helpful to understand what makes a ritual different from a routine. While both involve repeated actions, rituals carry emotional significance and intentionality.

For example, brushing your teeth next to your partner every night is a routine. But if that time getting ready for bed together becomes a moment when you talk about your day, laugh, or share what you're thinking about, it might become a ritual—something that serves a function of bringing you closer together after a day apart.

Dr. William Doherty, author of The Intentional Family, explains that rituals are an antidote to the natural drift that occurs in family life. He describes how the “forces of entropy” tend to pull family members in different directions due to busy schedules, individual interests, and life demands. Rituals are the intentional moments we create to bring everyone back together.

How Mixed-Faith Couples Can Navigate Rituals Together

For mixed-faith couples, this understanding can be both freeing and grounding.

• For the non-believing partner, it can be helpful to view religious rituals (like prayer or church attendance) through the lens of connection rather than belief. Even if the content no longer resonates, acknowledging that these rituals can serve to foster family unity can open the door to greater empathy and collaboration.

• For the believing partner, this perspective can offer reassurance. Just because a partner or child no longer participates in religious rituals doesn’t mean the family is doomed to lose connection. In fact, other shared experiences—like family movie nights, family meals, or weekend outings—can offer just as much emotional bonding.

  
  

Understanding that the goal of a ritual is connection, not conformity, allows couples to approach the topic with more flexibility and less defensiveness.

Do All Rituals Need to Be Shared? Not Necessarily.

Another important concept: not every ritual needs to be shared by everyone in the family.

Sometimes, a ritual may hold deep significance for one partner but not the other. That’s okay. The key is not to eliminate those rituals but to make room for others that feel meaningful to both partners—or to the whole family.

For example, if one spouse continues to pray before bed, that can still be a valuable personal ritual. But the couple might also create a shared ritual, such as cuddling in bed and talking about their day, that fosters intimacy in a different way.

Similarly, if a former family ritual—like attending church together—no longer works for everyone, it’s worth asking:

• What about this ritual was meaningful for our family?

• Was it the act of being together? The predictability? The conversations afterward?

• How might we create a new version that maintains that connection?

Practical Ritual Ideas for Mixed-Faith Families

Here are a few examples of how families might adjust rituals to accommodate different beliefs while preserving connection:

• Couple Prayer → Bedtime Check-InIf prayer together no longer feels authentic for both partners, consider replacing it with a nightly ritual of sharing highlights from the day or expressing appreciation.

• Family Prayer Before Meals → Statement of GratitudeIf praying together is uncomfortable, try going around the table and sharing something you’re thankful for or a personal win from the day.

• Church Attendance → Sunday Family RitualIf church no longer feels unifying, create a new Sunday morning ritual, such as a family brunch or outing together a few times a month. Rituals don’t have to be rigid; they can include room for flexibility. A new Sunday family ritual doesn’t need to happen every week—it could be once a month or a few times a year.

These alternatives don’t have to replace religious practices but instead allow space for shared rituals that everyone can enjoy and look forward to.

The Function of the Ritual Matters More Than the Form

When rituals stop feeling connecting—when they begin to divide rather than unite—it’s worth revisiting their function.

As Dr. Doherty writes in The Intentional Family:

“Many once-satisfying rituals can lose their meaning as the family or its environment changes. Most rituals need fine-tuning over the years; some need overhaul, and others need to be substituted or dropped altogether. Major transition times in family life are particularly good opportunities to take a long look at your rituals.”

A change in belief is one of those transition points.

If a ritual no longer serves its purpose—if it causes tension, exclusion, or disconnection—it may be time to revise it. This doesn’t necessarily mean throwing it away. Sometimes the answer is as simple as tweaking the format, reframing the intent, or separating personal from shared practices.

How to Create Rituals That Strengthen Family Bonds

If you’re in a mixed-faith marriage or parenting situation, here are a few questions to guide you in creating intentional rituals:

• What do we already do that feels connecting?Are there activities you naturally enjoy as a couple or family that could be made more intentional and repeatable?

• What parts of our previous rituals still feel meaningful?Can you preserve the essence of a ritual, even if the format or content needs to change?

• What would feel enjoyable and inclusive for everyone?Aim to create at least some rituals that each member of the family looks forward to or that help them feel connected to the family.

• Get input from each other.Find out what parts of your current family rituals are or aren’t meaningful. This shouldn’t be a unilateral decision to change your rituals—it should come from mutual understanding and collaboration.

  
  

If you're looking for inspiration, the Gottman Institute offers ideas for daily rituals of connection between partners that are simple, meaningful, and easily adaptable to your relationship.

Final Thoughts: Creating Connection in Mixed-Faith Families

The bottom line is this: The content of your rituals as a couple and family is not nearly as important as whether they bring you together in connection.

Just because your family no longer shares the same religious framework doesn’t mean you can’t create strong, meaningful rituals. You absolutely can. The goal is connection, and connection is always available when you’re willing to be intentional, flexible, and creative.

As Dr. Gottman reminds us:

“Meaningful activities that families create to bring connection and stability to the family dynamic” are what matter most.

Coming Soon: A Deeper Dive

This post is just an introduction to the topic of creating rituals in mixed-faith marriages and families. I’m currently developing a class that takes a deeper dive into this topic, including specific strategies for ritualizing family life when parenting in a mixed-faith dynamic.

Stay tuned for more details soon!

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Reference

Doherty, W. J. (1997). The Intentional Family: Simple Rituals to Strengthen Family Ties. New York: Avon Books.