How to Parent in a Mixed-Faith Marriage Without Undermining Each Other

How to Parent in a Mixed-Faith Marriage Without Undermining Each Other

Parenting partnerships are a common source of conflict in many marriages. When your religious belief systems diverge—or even contradict each other—it can feel especially difficult to build a partnership that functions as a respectful, united team.

How do you maintain your authenticity without weakening your parenting partnership?

This question comes up often for LDS mixed-faith couples. If you’re navigating these waters, you’re not alone—and you’re not doomed to either conflict or silence. Even when you hold opposing beliefs, it’s still possible to cultivate a healthy, differentiated parenting partnership.

In this post, we’ll explore one essential principle for building a strong parenting partnership in a mixed-faith home: Don’t undermine each other. We’ll talk about what that means, what it looks like (especially in a religious context), and how to hold your own values while still honoring your spouse’s authority as a parent.

What Does “Undermining” Really Mean?

Let’s start with a few definitions of the word undermine:

• To make someone or something weaker or less effective, usually in a secret or gradual way.

• To subvert or weaken insidiously.

• To make someone less confident, powerful, or respected, often gradually.

When applied to parenting, undermining happens when one parent erodes the other’s authority or credibility in front of the children. This can happen subtly or overtly—and it’s especially easy to fall into when you fundamentally disagree on values, practices, or beliefs.

What Undermining Looks Like in a Mixed-Faith Parenting Partnership

In a mixed-faith home, undermining can take specific forms. For example:

• Criticizing your partner’s religious or spiritual choices in front of the children

• Dismissing or reversing decisions they’ve made about religious participation or spiritual practices

• Speaking disrespectfully about their beliefs or parenting approach, especially within earshot of the kids

• Allowing your children to “shop around” for the answer they want when the other parent has already made a decision—especially around religious issues

Even when these behaviors come from frustration or hurt, they can slowly erode your child’s respect for the other parent and create long-term division in the family.

Why Undermining Hurts the Whole Family

When one parent undermines the other, the child receives a message: “The person I’m supposed to trust is not trustworthy.” This can lead to:

• Loyalty conflicts

• Anxiety and insecurity in the child

• Manipulative behavior (kids learn to play one parent against the other)

• A weakened sense of stability and emotional safety at home

Even if you don’t share your spouse’s beliefs, your child benefits from seeing you both as capable, loving, and worthy of respect.

For an additional perspective on how undermining plays out in parenting partnerships, I recommend listening to this insightful podcast from the Parent Hope Project: When Parents Undermine Each Other.

Real-World Example: The Church Attendance Dilemma

Let’s say your spouse tells the kids they need to get dressed for church. Later, they come to you and say, “We don’t want to go—can we stay home with you?”

This is a classic moment where undermining could happen.

Here’s what undermining might look like:

“Yeah, I agree you shouldn’t have to go. I don’t think church is good for you anyway.”

Instead, try this:

“That’s something your other parent decided, so it’s best to talk with them about it. I personally don’t attend church because I believe differently, but I respect your mom/dad’s right to make decisions as your parent.”

This approach does three things:

• Upholds the other parent’s authority

• Models respectful disagreement

• Preserves your authenticity

  
  

What Not Undermining Doesn’t Mean in Mixed-Faith Parenting

Let’s be clear: choosing not to undermine your spouse doesn’t mean you must silence your beliefs or values. Here’s what it doesn’t mean:

❌ Staying Silent About Your Beliefs

You can share your beliefs honestly and respectfully. Try phrases like:

• “That’s not my belief system, but I respect that it’s important to your dad/mom.”

• “I see that differently, and I’m happy to share more another time if you are curious.”

  
  

❌ Always Going Along with the Other Parent’s Decisions

Behind closed doors, you can and should advocate for a parenting plan that feels fair and inclusive. Work together on compromise, collaboration, and finding middle ground that reflects both of your values.

If you’re hitting a wall, working with a couples coach can help you find common ground and move toward sustainable solutions.

❌ Ignoring Undermining When It Happens to You

If you feel like your partner is undermining your authority, it’s okay to say (calmly and privately):

“I felt undermined just now. Can we talk about this later and figure out a way to handle this together?”

❌ Losing Your Individual Bond with Your Kids

You’re still allowed to share your personal values, tell your own story, and build a unique relationship with your children. In fact, it’s healthy for kids to witness different—even conflicting—worldviews modeled with mutual respect and care.

❌ Solving Every Problem for Your Child

If your child is unhappy with a decision made by the other parent, you can guide them to take it up directly:

“That’s something to talk to your dad/mom about. They made that call, and it’s their place to discuss it with you.”

This models boundaries and helps your child build emotional resilience and communication skills.

Holding Space for Difference and Unity at the Same Time As Mixed-Faith Parents

It’s okay to have different—even contradictory—beliefs as long as you’re committed to doing the work of respectful communication and mutual support. You can:

• Speak from your own experience without criticizing your spouse’s

• Respect your partner’s parenting decisions, even when they don’t align with your worldview

• Protect your child’s respect for both of you as their leaders and guides

  
  

When both parents commit to not undermining each other, there’s plenty of space for:

• Authenticity

• Open conversations

• Unique parent-child relationships

• Ongoing compromise and collaboration

  
  

Final Thoughts: You’re on the Same Team

You and your partner may not be on the same page religiously, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a parenting partnership built on mutual respect and shared leadership. Like any team, each member brings something different—and that’s okay. But for the team to function, there must be collaboration, respect, and a willingness to work together despite those differences.

When you protect each other’s authority, you protect your child’s sense of safety and stability.

Avoiding undermining doesn’t mean giving up your voice—it means choosing when, where, and how to use it so your kids can trust both of you.

How To Get More Support In Your Mixed-Faith Parenting

If you and your partner are struggling to find balance in your mixed-faith parenting partnership, I’m here to help.

As a certified relationship and couples coach specializing in mixed-faith dynamics, I help couples navigate these challenges

👉 Schedule an appointment with me at suzettehaltermancoaching.com and take the next step toward a parenting partnership that works for both of you.