One of the most common patterns in couples work is the belief that the relationship would improve if only the other person changed. While there is often truth to this, the most effective approach to relationship work is counterintuitive: focusing on yourself rather than on what your partner is or isn’t doing.
This may seem like individual work rather than relationship work, but relationships are systems—what one person does directly affects the other. Imagine a see-saw: when one person pushes off the ground, the other is automatically lowered, and then they go back and forth in that movement. In relationships, this interconnected movement might look like:
One partner distances, and the other pursues. The more they pursue, the more the other partner distances.
One partner gets upset, and the other withdraws. The more they withdraw, the more the other partner gets upset.
One partner criticizes, and the other becomes defensive. The more they become defensive, the more the other partner amps up their criticism.
One partner expresses emotion, and the other responds with logic rather than empathy. The more logic they use, the more emotional the other partner gets.
These interconnected patterns often happen automatically, outside of awareness. When relationship struggles arise, we tend to focus on what our partner is doing wrong rather than recognizing the dynamics at play that we are involved in.
Imagine a see-saw where the person in the down position yells at the other to "come down!" instead of realizing they could shift their own position and change the movement. This is why relationship work is most effective when you focus on your own role in the system. By shifting your actions, you naturally influence the system in ways that create change.
Of course, this isn’t always easy. Looking at your own part requires self-awareness, maturity, and growth. It can be uncomfortable to step out of blame and into responsibility. But just like in the see-saw analogy, it’s far more productive to focus on your own movement than to wait around hoping the other person will change first.
By recognizing your influence in the relationship system, you gain power to create meaningful shifts—without resentment, frustration, or endless waiting. Relationship change begins with you.
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