Triangulation in Mixed-Faith Parenting: How to Keep Your Kids Out of Marital Conflict

When it comes to mixed-faith parenting, two guiding principles can help establish a solid foundation for raising children in a home with differing beliefs. These principles come from Dr. Jenny Brown's work on differentiation-based parenting, and they are especially crucial for mixed-faith families:

• Parents should not undermine each other.

• Keep marital conflict from spilling out onto the children.

  
  

In a previous post, I explored the first principle in detail in How to Parent in a Mixed-Faith Marriage Without Undermining Each Other. Today, we’ll turn to the second: how to keep conflict between parents from seeping into the parent-child relationship—and how a concept called triangulation plays a central role in this dynamic.

The Unresolved Tensions of Mixed-Faith Marriage

It’s no secret that mixed-faith marriages involve frequent negotiation, compromise, and emotional complexity. Differences in belief impact everything from how weekends are spent to how holidays are celebrated to what kind of moral framework children are taught. These aren’t just logistical differences—they often strike at the core of identity, values, and hopes for the future.

And many of these issues don’t have simple solutions. Some disagreements might be temporary and evolve over time, but others fall into what Dr. John Gottman refers to as perpetual problems—those rooted in fundamental differences that can’t be solved but must instead be managed. Managing those fundamental differences in a mixed-faith marriage requires ongoing give-and-take, compromise, and the hard work of honoring each other’s experience—even when your views feel worlds apart.

These are not easy tasks, and this process will naturally stir up a lot of emotions—and sometimes, tension. When those tensions linger or undermine the sense of connection, they create an undercurrent in the relationship. And when that undercurrent is left unaddressed, it has a tendency to leak—especially into the parenting dynamic.

When Children Become the Third Point in a Triangle

One of the most common ways unresolved marital conflict spills out is through triangulation—a term from Bowen Family Systems Theory that describes the process of drawing a third person into a two-person conflict to stabilize emotional tension.

At its core, triangulation is a way of reducing anxiety in a relationship. If tension builds between two people (say, a couple navigating deeply different beliefs), one or both may seek a third party to ease the pressure. This third party could be a friend, a family member—or, most concerning of all—a child.

Triangulation isn’t always overt or intentional. It’s often subtle and driven by emotional need. But when it shows up in parenting, especially in mixed-faith homes, it can put children in difficult and confusing positions. It places emotional responsibility on them that doesn’t belong there.

Real-Life Examples of Triangulation in Mixed-Faith Parenting

Here are some concrete ways triangulation might show up in a mixed-faith home:

• Venting to a child about frustrations with the other parent’s beliefs, practices, or decisions

• Asking your child to take sides by framing religious or non-religious choices as “right” or “wrong”

• Confiding in a child about your spiritual struggles or dissatisfaction with how the other parent is handling religious matters

• Pressuring your child to attend church (or skip church) in an effort to feel supported in your belief system

• Focusing on the child’s choices as a proxy for the marital conflict—e.g., “At least you still believe,” or “I’m so glad you don’t like going to church like your dad”

• Creating a secret emotional alliance with one child:

  • Offering special praise when they echo your worldview

  • Making them your confidant: “You’re the only one who gets where I’m coming from”

  • Training the child to co-parent belief: “I need you to help me keep your siblings on the right path”

• Encouraging the child to pray for the other parent to change their beliefs

• Diverting more time, energy, and focus onto your child’s religious or emotional needs so you don’t have to focus on your own relationship conflict

  
  

Each of these scenarios pulls the child into the center of a conflict that belongs to the parents. While the intent may be to seek comfort or connection, the result is emotional triangulation—and that can have long-term effects on the child’s development, sense of self, and future relationships.

Why Triangulation is Harmful to Children

When children are drawn into marital conflict, they may begin to feel responsible for the emotional well-being of one or both parents. They may internalize the message that their choices determine whether a parent feels supported, seen, or validated.

Children in this role may seem to hold emotional power in the family—but only if they suppress their own needs and play by the unspoken rules of keeping the parent comfortable and supported.

Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy, calls this reversal of roles a form of emotional child abuse—not because the parent is intentionally harmful, but because the child is being asked (often unconsciously) to meet the emotional needs of the adult and participate in adult relationship dynamics. Emotional energy that should be flowing to the child instead flows from them. That burden can create emotional damage and becomes its own form of childhood trauma.

How to Know If This Is Happening in Your Family

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel more emotionally connected to my child than I do to my partner right now?

• Do I feel comforted when my child agrees with my religious stance or participates in things that support my beliefs?

• Have I made comments to my child about my partner’s belief system—directly or indirectly?

• Do I ever ask my child questions meant to “check in” on the other parent’s beliefs or practices?

• Do I feel hurt or disappointed when my child engages in religious activities with my partner?

• Do I avoid dealing with my relationship tensions by focusing more on my kids?

  
  

If any of these resonate, it doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent—it means you’re human, dealing with a very normal urge to reduce discomfort. Mixed-faith marriage brings a level of emotional complexity that is incredibly challenging, and triangulation is a common but unhelpful coping strategy.

What to Do Instead

1. Get Support for Yourself

Seek out a couples coach or therapist who can help you hold the discomfort of your differences without offloading it onto your child. Talking to a neutral third party who is trained to avoid becoming part of the relationship triangle gives you a safe space to process your feelings without placing that weight on your children.

2. Clarify and Respect the Parenting Partnership

In mixed-faith parenting, the goal isn’t for both parents to be on the same page about every religious belief or practice. That’s often not possible—and it’s not necessary. What matters more is that you’re aligned on broader goals: that your children feel emotionally safe, that both parents are respected, and that your child has space to form their own identity.

Instead of trying to present a united front in belief, aim to align in broader values like love, respect, curiosity, and emotional well-being.

3. Name the Tension—Without Blame

You can acknowledge to your partner that the situation is hard without needing to make it anyone’s fault. For example:"I’ve noticed that I feel more tempted to vent to our child when we haven’t had time to talk things through as a couple. Can we make time to talk this week?"

4. Let the Child Be a Child

Remember that your child’s role is not to soothe your distress, make up for marital disappointment, or validate your beliefs. Their job is to grow, explore, and develop their own sense of identity. They need both parents offering love and emotional safety—regardless of belief.

The Bottom Line

Mixed-faith parenting doesn’t have to mean confusion or chaos for kids—but it does require awareness, intention, and emotional maturity from the adults involved. Triangulation can feel like a shortcut to stability, but it is ultimately damaging to both parents and children.

When you notice yourself trying to ease your discomfort by pulling your child into the middle, pause. Ask yourself: Is this mine to carry—or am I passing this weight to my child?

Keep the conflict where it belongs—in the grown-up relationship. That’s where the tension and management of your different beliefs should be handled.

Want Support Navigating These Differences?

If you’re struggling with emotional spillover in your mixed-faith marriage, I can help you learn how to manage those differences so your children aren’t caught in the middle.

As a certified couples coach specializing in mixed-faith dynamics, I work with couples to strengthen their partnership and move away from emotional patterns that harm connection.

You don’t have to navigate this alone.

👉 Book a free consultation or learn more at suzettehaltermancoaching.com